We (my husband and I) had had her for 5 years when my husband died. His death was probably the loneliest, saddest time of my life so far. Since Jerry and I had been literally inseparable, it was impossible to imagine life without him.
But I still had Sage, my lab. After moving into my tiny (450 sq. ft.) apartment, over the kitchen of the church where Jerry had pastored, I would sit in my chair for hours at times, blankly staring at the wall and weeping hot, desolate tears. I had been left alone. When you have been half of a whole, it is not possible to feel whole when you have been reduced to just half.
Somehow, I still functioned. I worked in the office of the church, just downstairs from my "upper room." Though functional, my heart was in deep despair.....oh yeah, my heart. I forgot to mention that the day he died, I also had a heart attack.....not making this up! Honest! It really happened that way. My heart attack first, then hours later while I was in the hospital, he died. Darn him! It wasn't a surprise, and yet it was. He had been home, in a hospital bed in our living room, for 18 days. Hospice delivered the comfort drugs I gave him as his caregiver during that time. But he had always seemed indestructible!
....I must have looked like a ghost as I wandered from the office to my apartment, to the office, to my apartment. I didn't talk to anyone about my depression. Only God.
....and my dog. She would sit on the floor next to my solitary chair, and stand up from time to time, lean in to me, and lick the tears from my splotchy wet face. Such a silent, gentle friend she was, looking at me with her giant golden eyes. She just quietly shared my sorrow.
Eight years later I had her put to sleep after watching her for many months, developing painful arthritic hips, loss of balance, and eventually incontinence. We said goodbye just last June. I still miss her.
And now, I have this CAT. After having such a great dog, it has been something of a letdown, getting used to the schizoid temperament of this little furry egotist. His name is Stewart, and he's totally adorable.......looking.
I've had him for about 6 months, and in spite of his mean behavior, I love him.
Initially, he was very hyper - all night long - and would sleep most of the day. Lucky me. I tried to sleep, but he would get a running start from the living room, come tearing into the bedroom, leap up on the bed and land squarely on my chest. Wonderful. I never could figure out what it was he expected me to do. Sometimes, after several nocturnal assaults I would sit straight up in bed, wild-eyed, and yell "WHAT??? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" He would look at me blankly and stroll back into the living room to rest-up for the next attack. I think I went several weeks without a night's sleep.
I was still thinking of him as a dog, I guess. Sage would never have behaved like that. She slept quietly all night long, only waking if there was a strange sound she needed to identify. Perfect.
After a few months of this torture, I decided to start putting him outside at night. That worked great - for an hour or so. Then he would sit under my bedroom window and "M E O O O W W W!" nonstop, until I would let him back in again. Some peaceful minutes would follow, then "M E O W W W W!" again, only this time from inside my apartment, inside my bedroom. So, I would obediently get up and let him out. IN. OUT. IN. OUT. IN. OUT.
I endured this monumental abuse for many weeks. Finally, exhausted and frantic, I bought a kitty-door.....a tall, narrow panel that fit between my sliding glass door and the door frame, with a hinged plexiglass "door" at the bottom. I installed it myself. Man, I was desperate for sleep!
This miracle door arrived with special instructions on "How to train your cat to use the kitty door." Well, friends, no instructions were needed. The moment my adorable little savage beast stuck his nose through the swinging flap, feeling and smelling the outside air, he was through it like a missile! It actually was very cute. He'd dash out, dash in, strutting around my apartment, looking at me over his shoulder, as if to say "What do you think about that?!" I was appropriately impressed.
It seemed my kitty problems were over and I was on my way to kitty-owner's bliss. We had a wonderful honeymoon, during which time he was the perfect pet. I thought that my problems were over, and my affection for this little creature was growing every day.
But cats know things. They just do. They know other ways to torture us (realizing we have been hopelessly ensnared by their undeniable charms).
I loved evenings when I would sit in my chair, usually either watching something on my DVR (on TV) or sitting with my laptop perched on the arm of my chair. That left my lap free for my cat to occupy. He'd come up and snuggle, purring as I stroked his shiny black coat. Ah, bliss!
But then, a little over a month ago, this lovely behavior stopped abruptly. It seemed that we were suddenly strangers. He still came and went (as he pleased, of course - through the special entrance I had provided), but he completely ignored me. It was as if I no longer existed. I'd call to him as he bounded in through his very own doorway, and he'd walk past me without even glancing my way.....I was wounded! Wasn't I still feeding him? Was I now invisible? He got his favorite wet food every morning, and at all times had good dry food available to him. He had a huge appetite for a small cat, so I was continually refilling his bowl. I NEVER missed a feeding, ALWAYS greeted him with a smile and cheerful voice when he came in. I still sat in my chair in the evening, pathetically inviting him to come sit on my lap......................Nothing. For over a month. He broke my heart. Darn cat!
Then, last evening, to my amazement, he started acting very cute with me. He wanted to play, so we played. My heart lifted. (Embarrassing to have one's emotions controlled by a cat.) He gave me great eye contact, looking at me with bright eyes. Oh, it made me so happy it was ridiculous. He got up on the ottoman first, stretched out a paw and touched my knee playfully, then pulled it away. It seemed like he was flirting! So cute. Then he inched his way up my leg and snuggled into my lap, purring contentedly.
What strange behavior! As a helpful friend has suggested, he apparently had at last forgiven me for some intolerable offense. Well, I don't care. I'm just happy that our relationship has been restored.
You know, we really are a lot like cats. Only so much worse. I have reflected over the similarities between his hurtful ignoring of me, and my sinful ignoring of the God who loves me. Pondering my own vascillating affection for my Savior Jesus, who literally "gave himself up for me," I am truly ashamed. I think about how I have felt - how wounded of heart I have actually felt - over a CAT. Then I think of my loving, gracious heavenly Father who gives me each breath I take. I think of my rescuer, my deliverer, my savior Jesus, who suffered so horribly and gave his life - taking all my nasty, ugly sin with him, in an ugly death on a criminal's cross! I think of the Holy Spirit who now indwells me, and who is constantly nudging me back toward Jesus, and drawing my attention - sometimes so fleetingly - to all that God has done for me.
So often in my life, I treat God just the way my cat has treated me. I come and go, maybe hearing his call, maybe not, but I just stroll on by, pursuing some earthly satisfaction. How can I love God and still also be so worldly, so self-centered?
WHY does he always pursue me? Why does he always forgive my disobedience, my ungrateful behavior, ignoring the ONE who is so consistently good to me? It is his character. He is pure and holy. All-loving, patient, and faithful. Because of that, I can cry out, as David in Psalm 51, saying,
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight..."
-Ps 51:1-4a
That is my prayer to you, oh Lord. That is my confession. Thank you for your grace, to convict me of my sin. You have just used my silly cat to illustrate my adulterous heart! Help me now, my God, my dearest love, help me to seek you more diligently, and love you above all else.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me."
-Ps 51:10
Beautifully expressed, Roberta. And so true!
ReplyDeleteAmen Sister,
ReplyDeleteI just have one thing to say:
M E O W W W...
and again I say AMEN!